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Surprise Surprise, Incoming Star Doesn’t Destroy Planet After All

And there we have it, folks. The star has come and passed, and I for one am doing perfectly fine. Yes, there have been some reports of lots of ice melting, and some violent floods in Manitoba, and massive tsunamis across the west coast of the Americas. But honestly, those reports seem a bit hard to believe. You would think if China really was entirely obliterated by a giant wall of rushing water, for instance, that at least someone would’ve produced a photograph from it by now.

Yes, I’ve seen some photos, but those were obviously doctored.

In the end, it seems like what we here at Climate Realists have been predicting this entire time has turned out to be true. The world was never in any real danger at all. The worst this so-called Star has done to us is set off some forest fires in India, which let’s be real, probably would’ve happened anyway.

Yes, I’ll admit that there has been an unusual amount of flooding in my area. Lots of dead bodies floating around, a lot of rain and thunder these past few days. But let’s remind ourselves that these sort of things happen all the time. Every fifty years or so there’s some notably bad weather — that’s normal, expected. You can’t go running around like the sky is falling every time there are multiple days of continuous rain, flooding, and unseasonable warmth. And yes, there have been some minor earthquakes nearby, but the idea that the star is what caused that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, and I question the logic of anyone who could think otherwise.

Most importantly, we need to remember that the Mathematician lied to us.

This man looked a bunch of his young students in the eyes and told them they were all going to die from some mythical star that came from God knows where, and then he spread the lie to the rest of the world. This man is a monster, no question about it.

I’m calling on all my readers to send letters to the head of his university and demand this liar’s resignation. He caused a world-wide panic over nothing but his own self-promotion, and he should not get away with that.

Yes, I know his university’s been temporarily shut down due to all the flooding, but still. If this man still has a job when this all blows over, shame on all of us.

An Update on the Incoming Star Hoax

Another actual photo of the mathematician

So, according to that so-called mathematician, last night the star — having already crashed into Neptune apparently — was supposed to pass by Jupiter. Apparently Jupiter would be deflected from its orbit as a result (the mathematician’s been pretty vague about how that works) and this would cause the star to head straight towards Earth on its way to our sun.

You can see the holes in this story, right?

Out of the billions of miles of empty space in the galaxy, this star has somehow managed to crash into not one but two planets already, and is on its way to crashing into a third.

Luckily most people are smart enough to see through this. Even the liberal newspapers have reported that nine out of ten people are planning to go about their normal schedule. The priests are refusing to add to this foolish panic, keeping their churches open at normal hours, and some of the good newspapers out there — the ones that tell real news — are giving us examples of all the much more likely explanations for what this thing in the sky might be.

For instance, the star’s probably not even a star at all. Odds are it’s condensed gas that will be blocked by Earth’s atmosphere. Even more likely, this is just the mathematician’s strategy for self-advertisement. Rumors have it that he’s been looking to switch careers into the literary world, and this is his plan to gain a following. And if we’ve learned anything from the recent Oscar Wilde trials, it’s that these literary figures are hardly the most trustworthy of people.

And yet sadly, that other ten percent of the population maintain that the end is near. They claim that the star moved as the mathematician predicted, and now the star truly is headed directly towards us. Excuse me again if I roll my eyes.

For updates on the star situation, click here.

Yet Another Liberal Professor Claims the World is Ending

Actual photo of the mathematician, I’m assuming

One thing that’s really amazing when you look at the distance between the planets in our solar system is how empty outer space really is. Even the closest planet to Earth, Mars, is over thirty-three million miles away. The planet of Neptune, of which this strange new supposed star in the sky has just collided with, is over two billion miles away from us. And yet somehow, in its travels between billions of miles of cold, empty space, this star is already guaranteed to collide into Earth, destroying our world entirely.

That is, of course, according to a “master” mathematician living in England. After four straight days of drug-induced insomnia, the Mathematician finished all the fancy equations and calculations necessary to prove that the tiny star in the sky — the star that’s still over a billion miles away, remember– is going to kill us all. Did he double-check his work? We don’t know. Did he use any tools more advanced than a telescope to help with his equations? We don’t know either. The one thing that’s clear is that after he finished adding up the numbers on his chalkboard, he went straight to his class of impressionable college students and told these kids that they were all going to die.

I wish I could say this was surprising, but at this point, it’s par for the course.

I mean, why do we send our kids to university anyway? It seems like all we’re paying for is for these elitist liberal professors to brainwash them into thinking the world is ending. We’ve seen this before with climate change, and how “all our cities are going to be underwater by the year 1880. Oh wait, no: 1890. Oh wait no: 1895. Oh wait, no…”

The mathematician has already backtracked on his initial remarks. Rather than the star colliding with our planet, he now claims the Earth will “perhaps” collide with Earth. The more likely event, he now claims, are “Earthquakes, volcanic outbreaks, cyclones, sea waves, floods, and a steady rise in temperature to I know not what limit.”

(“I know not what limit.” Finally, some humility.)

I’m sure that in a couple days, he’ll downgrade his predictions to some light thunderstorms, but for now all we could do is laugh at the absurdity of his current predictions. Volcanic outbreaks? How could a passing star set off a volcano? Earthquakes happen all the time. And sea waves? Nothing impressive about those. I’ve been to the beach; there were many waves.

Let us not forget the lessons of 1812, when a couple of volcanoes erupted in Indonesia or wherever and everyone thought the End Times were upon us. Let’s not forget the lessons of the year 1000 either, back when Marxist college professors were still claiming the world was going to end.

That’s right: they were wrong then, and the mathematician is wrong now. After all, there’s simply no precedent for this sort of thing happening. If you go through all the historical records dating back to Mesopotamia, you will not find a single piece of evidence pointing to a star ever crashing into the Earth. The facts don’t lie, as much as the mathematician might try to tell you otherwise.

So, as the star crosses over Jupiter tonight, I urge all my readers not to bother staying up to watch the lamestream media’s disingenuous interpretation of the star’s trajectory. Rather, I urge you all to put that nonsense behind you, and get a good night’s sleep instead. Let’s not entertain this mathematician’s mad ramblings any longer.

Actual photo of the Mathematician with one of his students, I’m assuming

For Updates on the incoming star hoax, click here.