One thing that’s really amazing when you look at the distance between the planets in our solar system is how empty outer space really is. Even the closest planet to Earth, Mars, is over thirty-three million miles away. The planet of Neptune, of which this strange new supposed star in the sky has just collided with, is over two billion miles away from us. And yet somehow, in its travels between billions of miles of cold, empty space, this star is already guaranteed to collide into Earth, destroying our world entirely.
That is, of course, according to a “master” mathematician living in England. After four straight days of drug-induced insomnia, the Mathematician finished all the fancy equations and calculations necessary to prove that the tiny star in the sky — the star that’s still over a billion miles away, remember– is going to kill us all. Did he double-check his work? We don’t know. Did he use any tools more advanced than a telescope to help with his equations? We don’t know either. The one thing that’s clear is that after he finished adding up the numbers on his chalkboard, he went straight to his class of impressionable college students and told these kids that they were all going to die.
I wish I could say this was surprising, but at this point, it’s par for the course.
I mean, why do we send our kids to university anyway? It seems like all we’re paying for is for these elitist liberal professors to brainwash them into thinking the world is ending. We’ve seen this before with climate change, and how “all our cities are going to be underwater by the year 1880. Oh wait, no: 1890. Oh wait no: 1895. Oh wait, no…”
The mathematician has already backtracked on his initial remarks. Rather than the star colliding with our planet, he now claims the Earth will “perhaps” collide with Earth. The more likely event, he now claims, are “Earthquakes, volcanic outbreaks, cyclones, sea waves, floods, and a steady rise in temperature to I know not what limit.”
(“I know not what limit.” Finally, some humility.)
I’m sure that in a couple days, he’ll downgrade his predictions to some light thunderstorms, but for now all we could do is laugh at the absurdity of his current predictions. Volcanic outbreaks? How could a passing star set off a volcano? Earthquakes happen all the time. And sea waves? Nothing impressive about those. I’ve been to the beach; there were many waves.
Let us not forget the lessons of 1812, when a couple of volcanoes erupted in Indonesia or wherever and everyone thought the End Times were upon us. Let’s not forget the lessons of the year 1000 either, back when Marxist college professors were still claiming the world was going to end.
That’s right: they were wrong then, and the mathematician is wrong now. After all, there’s simply no precedent for this sort of thing happening. If you go through all the historical records dating back to Mesopotamia, you will not find a single piece of evidence pointing to a star ever crashing into the Earth. The facts don’t lie, as much as the mathematician might try to tell you otherwise.
So, as the star crosses over Jupiter tonight, I urge all my readers not to bother staying up to watch the lamestream media’s disingenuous interpretation of the star’s trajectory. Rather, I urge you all to put that nonsense behind you, and get a good night’s sleep instead. Let’s not entertain this mathematician’s mad ramblings any longer.
Climate Realists 