So, according to that so-called mathematician, last night the star — having already crashed into Neptune apparently — was supposed to pass by Jupiter. Apparently Jupiter would be deflected from its orbit as a result (the mathematician’s been pretty vague about how that works) and this would cause the star to head straight towards Earth on its way to our sun.
You can see the holes in this story, right?
Out of the billions of miles of empty space in the galaxy, this star has somehow managed to crash into not one but two planets already, and is on its way to crashing into a third.
Luckily most people are smart enough to see through this. Even the liberal newspapers have reported that nine out of ten people are planning to go about their normal schedule. The priests are refusing to add to this foolish panic, keeping their churches open at normal hours, and some of the good newspapers out there — the ones that tell real news — are giving us examples of all the much more likely explanations for what this thing in the sky might be.
For instance, the star’s probably not even a star at all. Odds are it’s condensed gas that will be blocked by Earth’s atmosphere. Even more likely, this is just the mathematician’s strategy for self-advertisement. Rumors have it that he’s been looking to switch careers into the literary world, and this is his plan to gain a following. And if we’ve learned anything from the recent Oscar Wilde trials, it’s that these literary figures are hardly the most trustworthy of people.
And yet sadly, that other ten percent of the population maintain that the end is near. They claim that the star moved as the mathematician predicted, and now the star truly is headed directly towards us. Excuse me again if I roll my eyes.
Climate Realists 